Never Brush Your Teeth With Your Eyes Closed is a funny story about a man, a hang over and what he thought was toothpaste.
By Michael R Dougherty
The following story actually happened to my uncle.
Uncle Ed was starting his day with a hangover headache.
As he shuffled his way to the bathroom sink to brush his teeth, he kept his eyes nearly closed.
Once he was standing over the sink he closed his eyes all the way as he fumbled around with his hands to find his tooth brush and tooth paste.
Uncle Ed located the tube and unscrewed the cap, then started squeezing out some toothpaste onto his tooth brush.
Then, with his eyes still closed, he began vigorously brushing his teeth.
Seconds later a horrible taste began flooding his mouth. Uncle Ed's eyes shot open as he gagged and began trying to spew the awful taste out of his mouth.
But the taste wasn't going away easily.
Uncle Ed continued to gag and spew and quickly filled a water glass to rinse his mouth.
What was that horrid, awful taste? What was wrong with his toothpaste? Looking down at the tube, he rubbed his blurry eyes, opened them and looked down.
He didn't believe his eyes. "You've got to be kidding me" shouted Uncle Ed.
There on the sink was the tube he had used to brush his teeth -
It was a tube of Preparation H, which is of course an ointment that's used, not for brushing your teeth, but to help shrink hemorrhoids - those painful bumps we humans sometimes get on our back sides.
With his eyes closed, Uncle Ed had brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Now he had a hangover headache and a mouth full of the yucky flavor of hemorrhoid ointment.
Not a great way to start your day.
The first time my Uncle Ed told that story to me, my sister Ann and brother Tom, we laughed our heads off.
We loved our Uncle Ed very much, but he had so many funny stories about things that had happened to him, mostly when he had been drinking too much.
I have told this story many times and always laugh at the thought of my Uncle picking up the wrong tube and filling his mouth with an ointment meant for the other end of his body.
I have no idea what Preparation H tastes like, and I'm not about to find out. Besides, I bet the product label plainly states that the ointment is meant to be applied to the surface of the skin and is not to be taken orally.
Enough said -
Have fun and keep laughing
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