The Renovation Monster Ate My House

The Renovation Monster Ate My House is a funny short story about the horrors of living in your house while it's being renovated.

the renovation monster ate our house, www.michael-r-dougherty.comLook honey, the Renovation Monster ate one of our walls

By Michael R Dougherty

Beware the Renovation Monster -

It eats your home, your finances, and it turns your brain into a quivering blob of quacamole.

When the beast first arrives with it's powerful sledge hammers, snarling saws and flying crow bars and starts ripping your home apart, you quickly get used to hearing things like "we have a problem", "it's gunna cost more, and "they lost our order."

Have you ever watched any of those home remodeling shows on TV?

You know, the ones where they start tearing some poor schnook's home apart and immediately run into things like mold, heating and plumbing problems and the contractor appears on camera saying "I can't believe the original builder actually did this."

All the problems I mentioned above make for great TV drama, but -

While my wife and I watch those shows from time-to-time, we had never appreciated the horror of living through the Renovation Monster until we took the plunge ourselves.

For weeks and weeks our home looked like a bombed out building in a war zone.

Along the way we've encountered mold, electrical problems and have uttered the phrase "you've got to be kidding me" more times than I can count.

To pacify us during our Renovation Monster nightmare, we were told that the end result would be worth all the trouble, time and money spent. And that one day, in the distant future, we would actually look back at it all and laugh...

The Renovation Monster Ate My House

Shortly after being told that one day we would laugh at what we were going through, I went to work and discovered that I was wearing one brown sock and one blue sock because the Renovation Monster had eaten the light in my closet.

Another strange experience worth mentioning, happened in the middle of the night -

I slid my hand under my pillow and discovered that I was sleeping in construction dirt. The Renovation Monster had blown bits of dry wall, texture and who knows what else under the plastic cover used to protect our bed from the relentless invasion.

Yes, doing battle with the Renovation Monster is an experience like no other. But through it all, my wife and I always held out a tiny, flickering light of hope that we would be victorious.

But whenever we would become too sure of our victory, the Monster would roar -

One evening, our contractor told us that he might need to cut into another wall. 3 seconds after he made that horrifying statement, my wife and I both broke out into some sort of fear induced rash and in my imagination I saw a fuzzy image of me, with a crazed smile on my face, chasing our contractor out of our house with one of his own crow bars. Sweet revenge.

The Renovation Monster Ate My House

But all things must come to an end, and one day we were told that the Renovation Monster would soon be banished, leaving our home all clean, warm and spiffy again.

No more lost socks, no more flying crow bars, no more sleeping in construction dirt -

But after all those horrible, dusty weeks, we had become oddly attached to the Renovation Monster. Yes, it had become a sort of bizarre member of the family. Even so, the day came when we had to send it away - far, far away into the depths of the great abyss.

And when that great day finally arrived, rays of glorious light from Heaven above shown brightly upon us. The color returned to our cheeks and smiles once again graced our faces.

Farewell Renovation Monster and good luck to the next poor family whose home you invade.

Humorous Stories from ALASKA... and beyond

Get ready to laugh when Michael R Dougherty presents his show "Humorous Stories from ALASKA... and beyond", a fun, live presentation of stories about his real life adventures growing up in Alaska.

"Mike is an exceptional entertainer. His storytelling skills help his audience visualize Alaskan life, and his wholesome, welcoming style holds his audience's attention throughout. Great fun." John

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  • The Popeye Effect
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